"Why do I have to comply all the time?" asked my Soul. "I am my own spirit. I have my own life. I want to be free."
"You are free," I said, somewhat taken aback by her forwardness.
"No, I'm not. You haven't given me the green light to do whatever I want," she said.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I want to be free to do whatever I want, if ever I want and whenever I want."
"What's stopping you?" I said over my shoulder.
"You. You're stopping me. You're holding me back. "
"When? When have I held you back? And how am I holding you back?" I was getting defensive. "Don't I always tell you to 'do whatever you want... the opportunities are endless?'" I reminded her, and with a silly grin, I recalled an old nursery rhyme. "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, doctor, dentist, actor, lawyer, rich man, poor man, beggar man, but NO thief." I laughed.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about," she said seriously. "I'm talking about guilt. I'm talking about feeling obligated that I have to comply to make YOU happy. " She was serious. Then she whispered softly, "I don't want to let you down."
My poor Soul. Her gentle spirit was troubled by an inner conflict. It was not so much what she was doing but what she was being that troubled her. I pulled over to the side of the road. This needed my full attention.
"Listen," I said. "Your freedom to be whoever and however it is you want to be...happy, sad, good, bad, weak, strong, caring, uncaring, friendly, distant, cheerful, grumpy, joyful, resentful.... is a choice you make as you develop yourself. Within you is an inalienable right to be free from coercion. I have no doubt that within you is the capacity to reach for the best that's for your own good."
"Yeah, but why do I feel guilty doing something that I know you may not approve?" She was still struggling with her conflicting emotions.
"Guilt is not a bad thing," I said. "Guilt is a learned response. It is the scale that measures your conscience against what you have been taught as 'should' or 'should not' do. If used as just that, guilt is not a bad thing. But more importantly, there is no should or should not. There is only your freedom to choose."
"And you, what about you? Do I ignore you completely if I am free?"
"If you choose to, you can. I am only the provider of tools with which you can seek your journey, have your conversations and ask all your questions in pursuit of your happiness. My joy is in your freedom. I am here to protect that freedom and 'enforce' the laws that will guard it. "
"You know, you're preachy," she said, very matter-of-fact.
"You had it coming," I said.
My Soul. She is of me and through me, yet she's entirely her own. I can only house her, nurture her with my best thoughts, cultivate her own source of joy and guide her through her journey to enlightenment. Our dialogues serve to remind me that she is my scale of conscience. My Soul doesn't know it yet, but of the two of us, she will be the stronger.
"Don't we have somewhere to be?" My Soul broke the silence.
I had to clear my throat before I spoke. "Not any more, we don't."
"Good! Let's just sit today out," she said.
"Your choice," I said.
"Ah, I like the taste of my freedom!" she said with a twinkle.
"So do I," I said. "So do I."
This I humbly speak...with freedom
